Maybe the hardest thing in staring to open up to new people is to admit when to give up on a certain individual. When to admit when something is not working, when someone isn't treating us right and when we let ourselves down by allowing it all. When to sail away.
I'm not proud to admit, but it took me ten months to do so. Let me tell you my first dating story after my loss, and if by the end you think I was an idiot, well, then you will be absolutely correct. I still think it's worth sharing, so hopefully anyone else in the same boat will feel less like one.
It all started with Mr Nice Guy. I knew him for a while, and I did have a small crush on him, so when he started flirting, I was quite excited about it. Then as the months passed, the flirting got more obvious, and one fateful evening, the desires and an undisclosed number of drinks led to a quite fun night. Now at that stage, I wasn't sure if this was the end, or it will be a recurring event. Anyone who knows me (including him) knows that I'm not looking for a relationship. It doesn't fit in my life right now, so in my head, this could have been every men's wet dream. Someone who is close, convenient, the tango was nice, and she she doesn't want massive commitment. All the ingredients for something mutually fun, right? Wrong.
The first red flag was him to disappear for three weeks. The second red flag should have been when he ghosted me for another four weeks again after seeing him the second time. But the excitement was too much. I don't know about you, but after being lonely (and celibate) for so long, it felt like the floodgates were opened. Not necessary the deed itself, but the surroundings. Being touched, held, kissed, even just the phone pinging with something flirty. The actual stuff can easily be arranged at home, there are plenty of gadgets for that. But nothing can imitate the surroundings.
So as a result, in the next six or so months, I managed to make a total fool out of myself and let myself down like newer before by offering myself on a silver platter to someone who was clearly not into me enough to make even minimal effort to even nibble from said platter. I exercised a lot, ate healthy, lost weight to be prettier (this was probably a good thing, I admittedly have a number of extra pounds, but for all the wrong reasons). I struggled with my self-esteem becoming lower and lower, I doubted myself constantly, every time I reached out I felt anxiety, yet did it anyway. Lowered the bar so low that it was practically 2ft underground and yet, nothing.
There was one point, the last time I saw him, where I felt like I could actually fall for this man. That I'm playing Russian roulette with a heartbreak. I suppose I should be grateful for the excuses and BS of the following two months, because it slowly made me realise that I was wrong. I wasn't into him, I was into the excitement, the idea of him. I stuck around and ignored all the red flags and obvious signs because I wanted the potential we had be a reality. But that's a game only two can play. So by the time December hit (we are at over 3 weeks of radio silence again), I gave up on it.
And yet, when I was messaged again, I gave it another go - this time purely for a happy hour, only to be cancelled on last minute. After that, I truly gave up. I decided that if he won't contact me in the following 48 hours, then I'm done. It took me nine months, but I'm done having the bar low. I never wanted grand gestures, I deliberately muzzled my neediness, but sub-zero is a little below the effort level I find acceptable. So after this, the only reason I asked the universe for him to contact me was so I can tell him to go to hell, this ship has sailed.
Let me tell you it felt amazing to do so. And the way he contacted me - expecting me to drop everything to see him the middle of the night or right next day, confirmed that I will never, ever let anyone take me for granted again. This was my sail-away message, please feel free to use if for any unresponsive fboys you came across.
The ship you are trying to board has sailed. Please be advised that due to recent changes in our Tc&Cs and the subsequent increase of our boarding requirements, we are unable to accommodate you on any of our future sailings. As an alternative, we do recommend Tinder, where we trust you will find someone else to play games with and take for granted. Thank you for your [lack of] interest. So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye.
Always remember, that after the loss you've went through, you deserve nothing less then someone who jumps the highest bar. You worth it and never let loneliness make you believe that you need to settle for someone's attention crumbles or to be anyone's plan B. You must be a choice, and never an option. Don't let yourself down like I did. I was lucky because I didn't burn myself, but I could have. A lot.
Keep your hearts save.
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