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January Blues

January is viewed as the most depressing month of the year. The holidays are over, the joy, the spirit is gone and we are all back to the grey everyday life.

For me, January is blue - but not in a sad sense, more like in the calm sense. The madness is over, I don't need to pretend to be in celebration-mode, and the shops stopped selling those delicious Christmas desserts that I could eat my sorrow away with. January is back to "normal". It helps. I actually even enjoy it - because due to everyone feeling low, no one is asking me if I do, I'm not the odd one out being blue on my own. I would even say I can get cozy - sitting inside on the cold days, binge-watching something late into the night with some chocolate and a nice cup of specialty tea.

Nevertheless, it's a new year. A year that he will never see, a date he will never write, experiences he will never enjoy and Miss Tiny Human milestones he will never see. And when I think about these, it's not even blue anymore, but back to the darkest greys.

Evidently, the first new year was the hardest. Now, that it's the 5th, the pain is not as sharp as it used to be. Yet it's still difficult to get into the new-year-new-me mindset when you're longing to be the person you were with him - let that be last year or many years ago. The even more difficult thing is wanting a new-self, while missing the old one and living in a paradox limbo of past-, present-and future-self - and the new year inevitably will force you to think of who you want to be, who you want to become and what you want to achieve in the next 12 months and thereafter. When planning, focus on yourself, as hard it is can be. You have to make the decisions and you will be the one who has to live with them. Make yourself (and your kids) the priority and form your new year to suit you and not someone else.


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